Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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