Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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