Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
