I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
