she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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