you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
