So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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