john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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