Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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