Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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