Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
