So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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