There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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