I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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