I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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