dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
