Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
