he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
