Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
