Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
