Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
