there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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