Your mouth is God's brothel.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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