You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
