Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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