you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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