Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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