i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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