woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.