I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey