don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
