was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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