Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think I just sharted jello shots
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