Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
