you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish you could order shots online.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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