Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
