my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
