i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
