based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
