in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
