remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
