she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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