Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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