so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
