Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
