Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
