Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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