All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
