Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
