My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
