obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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