We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
