i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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