well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
