I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
