why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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