so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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