Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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