I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
