seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
