I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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