how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
